are you living in a constant state of obligation?

during the course of an intake conversation with a new client today, it became crystal clear that he is a chronic people pleaser. it was clear from this conversation that he was having anxiety issues, trying to please family and partner alike but not able to make anyone happy. instead he was suffering from skin outbreaks, sleepless nights and a cold that won't go away.

first sessions with clients usually take around 2 hours but it didn't take long for this people pleasing-ism to show up. he was different from the other young clients i coach. he was respectful and very grateful and very apologetic too, even for breathing differently.  it felt as if he living in a constant state of obligation. 

releasing the emotionally heavy luggage was the work that happened later and this client is still works in progress but coming out to the light with every session, releasing one issue at a time.

people who need external validation are often unaware that they do so. You might be a people-pleaser if:

1) You pretend to agree with everyone

2) You feel responsible for how other people feel

3) You apologize often

4) You feel burdened by the things you have to do

5) You can't say no

6) You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you

7) You act like the people around you

8) You need praise to feel good

9) You go to great lengths to avoid conflict

10) You don't admit when your feelings are hurt

You're in charge of how you spend your time. But if you are a people-pleaser, there's a good chance your schedule is filled with activities that you think other people want you to do. 

It's healthy to recognize how your behavior influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It's up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions. Whether you excessively blame yourself, or fear other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. You don't have to be sorry for being you.

4. Listening politely to other people's opinions - even when you disagree - is a good social skill. But pretending to agree just because you want to be liked can cause you to engage in behavior that goes against your values.

5 . Thinking that others will like you more if they think you are "nice" can lead to saying yes when what they really want is for us to do our job well (and sometimes, not even that).